It was two years ago I started this blog. I never posted in it. I thought it would be this normal weight loss progress thing but it never got off the ground.
My graduation is in less than two weeks, and it would be nice to slim down a little since people will definitely be taking pictures. When I went to my portfolio show and pictures were taken of me I nearly committed suicide when I saw how I looked. It was sooooOOooo horrible. I was dressed pretty nice and thought my hair looked okay, but I just looked really terrible. Which of course made me think 'Is this how people see me?' No wonder I can't get a date or be taken seriously.
Losing weight for men always seems like a bad idea. However there comes a point where you cannot avoid the facts. Men like women who are in shape. The ones who don't are A.) settling for what they can get or B.) are fetishists who are basically objectifying a woman for how her body is shaped. It's not about her as a person. Every woman wants to seem sexually desirable, but not in an indiscriminate way. In a personal way, and to the person she is into. No woman wants to be 'into' a guy just to find out he isn't attracted to her physically. Or will sleep with her on the sly, but won't date her because he sees himself with someone 'better looking' which means slimmer. I met a guy in January who I was really attracted to. He was giving me all of the 'too good to be true' treatment, but I was loving it at the time. We slept together, and it was awesome, but then it would take forever to see him again. He would always mention he was at the gym EVERY day and invited me to join him a few times. We all want to believe that he is so into you that he wants to even work out with you. But it's his subtle way of saying 'You aren't thin enough to be my girlfriend.' I joked with him that if I showed up he would pretend he didn't know me. He looked a little hurt that I would suggest that. But he was so full of shit anyways I wouldn't believe that he wouldn't play me off. I hate gyms, gyms in Hollywood California are a special type of hell, especially for people who aren't in shape already. I am not the gym type, I'm the dance studio type. Dancers are my tribe.
I fell and injured my knee in 2005 and have never seen an orthopedic surgeon about it. Jumping up and down on my knee is a huge risk. I have a brace, which seems to keep me somewhat stable when I do light exercise, but I have yet to take a dance class or zumba to see if it will hold up to the challenge. It's like people who clean their house before the maid shows up. I feel like I should exercise hard on my own so I don't embarrass myself in a class by walking out after a few minutes from exhaustion. But I haven't gotten there yet. Not even close. I used to spend hours dancing in my 20's. I used to go out 4 to 5 nights a week and dance for hours, the days I didn't go out I would dance in my apartment for a couple of hours because I loved it so much. When you have 100 extra pounds, the movement is a real labor. Even now when I go out to a concert, I don't dance that hard. Just move a little and then stand there.
Being sequestered in a transitional shelter doesn't help either. Having a 10 pm curfew makes it difficult to hit the clubs and sweat. There is so much 'programming' in the day and evening that even if there are zumba or dance classes, you will be lucky to be able to schedule one around their bible study classes. There is a zumba studio in walking distance of the house that gives $3 classes. I don't have the cash now tho.
I go through stages where I can't afford to eat well so I eat what I get from food banks, which is usually alot of sugar and white flour and fat. I have spent the last year reading everything I could get my hands on about foods that are good for losing weight. Proper nutrition for when you are working out, and juice recipes in case I want to get all hardcore and just drink juice. That lasts a couple of days, then I need a salad. Which all in all I don't think is terrible. I don't load it up with ranch dressing or anything. I love raw veggies and fruit. I just sometimes don't have the money for them. That sabotages my progress alot.
I have about 5 different on line workout sites, and I have a laptop now and space in my room to workout so I don't really have any excuses anymore. I am a little frustrated with myself because when I was going to school and working I would be so exhausted that I didn't have the energy to work out. When I graduated I was like I have plenty of time for it now, but got all worried about finding a job and started stress eating. I got my degree in fashion so being as good looking as possible always works in your favor. I thought I would work out and juice and lose a bunch of weight so I could compete. I did the opposite. Stress ate, and gained. Now I have found my dream job and feel like I blew it. I don't have the extra edge of being in shape or close to it. I am worried to death that if they decide to interview me I will walk in and their eyes will glaze over like a blind date, and they will ask interview questions to be polite knowing they are not interested in hiring me because of how I look, regardless of what I have to offer; much like a blind date. I basically feel fuckt at this point.
